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GOODBYE FEAR OF FEAR




We humans have a lot of fears—fear of the future, marriage, job, death, looks, society, grades, and so on. Currently, I am facing fears of career and marriage.

For career, I have been working hard for years to establish myself, to have a good, stable, and powerful career. I am working for a job that first gives me independence—to stand on my own feet and live the life I want—total, absolute freedom.

The second fear I am facing is of marriage. I have no special interest in marriage, but my family wants me to get settled down. As I have seen from my childhood, and still see, a woman’s life loses its freedom after marriage. Especially in India, a married woman, as I witness in my neighborhood, is not even allowed to come to the terrace to watch a beautiful sunrise. She can't go to her maika (parents' home) alone. If she is a career woman, then her in-laws firmly expect her—and she herself expects this from herself—to work both at home and outside. Meanwhile, their husbands sit like kings.

Well, I don’t want this blog to turn negative by listing the flaws of marriage. Because ultimately, as Adhyatma (spirituality) has taught me, it all depends on us—how we create our life. The older generation has made a lot of mistakes regarding women, marriage, and even their sons. But we should focus on the future, on the new.

So, I have spoken about two fears—career and marriage. I always thought that once I establish my career, I would no longer have to worry about my independence. Well, that’s true, but how far is it true? True independence does not lie outside but inside—or rather, both complement each other. Or perhaps, inner freedom guides outer freedom. I think that option is better.

I still haven’t found or built that solid career I am looking for. But yes, I have found something far more important—spirituality. Now, if I fear life, I enjoy it.

My father is worried—what if, one day, I leave everything for spirituality? Well, I am also ready for it, but only when such a feeling arises naturally within me. Till now, I have had no such natural feeling.

Earlier, I used to have nightmares about marriage. Maybe they will come again. They still do. Who knows if my fearlessness is temporary or permanent? Actually, it’s not fearlessness. It’s more about the joy of fear.

This is what I am experiencing. I am feeling a sense of thrill in fear as well. Maybe because of spirituality, I am enjoying the emotion of fear. I feel as if it comes to make me stronger, to bring me closer to myself. Myself here implies my true nature of non-consciousness—the ultimate goal of life.

Sometimes, you feel a lack of words for what you are experiencing. I am feeling the same. Let this fear of joy penetrate every cell of my being.

I am just enjoying it.
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